Self-sufficiency

What are you doing for your children that they can already handle themselves, especially with some training and guidance? There is a difference between support that helps them be successful and over-assisting that leaves them feeling dependent and unsure.

Along with contributing to the community, self-sufficiency goes a long way toward building healthy self-esteem. The more self-sufficient we are, the less we are a drain on our community. It feels empowering to be able to do things yourself instead of having to talk someone else into doing it.

It feels discouraging when someone says, “Oh, that is too hard for you.” “You are doing it wrong.” “You might make a mistake.” “It is taking too long.” “Here, I will do it.”  With enough repetition, there is a good chance that the discouragement will take the form of learned helplessness, which looks like halfhearted attempts and whining to get the adult to take care of things.

Set up places and resources for your children to use for self-care. Organize the bathroom so it has the tools they need and ways to safely use them, with dangerous items securely stored. In the kitchen, have some plates, cups, and utensils in places they can access, as well as a system to get water and maybe appropriate snacks. Make a spot for tools needed for cleaning up spills – towels of different sizes and a brush & dustpan set.

They will need to be taught how to use these items, as well as how to judge appropriate times. Make it work for your family. Some ideas from real families:

• healthy snacks available until a couple of hours before dinner
• an adult is present whenever a child is in the kitchen
• butter knives and cutting boards on low table for cutting fruit or spreading
• toothbrush and flossers always available, but real toothpaste stored
• mirror at child’s height with grooming tools (tissues, brush, hair clips)
• shoe and boot storage with a low bench nearby
• lunch becomes child’s responsibility, even on weekends

Provide routines for transitions. Without realizing it, many of us use systems and procedures that help us group multiple steps and details into single ideas.  Most people have internal lists for getting dishes done, kitchen cleaned, laundry washed, yard raked, oil checked, groceries stored, etc.  Writing the steps down in list form will help you teach proficient completion of each part as the children become ready. They may be putting away only the plates for a while. Then one day, when they can reach, you add the utensils.

We also have procedures to help us remember all our items when we leave the house or get ready for bed.  Lots of children find it helpful to have a list with pictures of what to gather and put on when leaving the house.   As they become more accustomed to getting themselves organized, the lists can come down, or changed to a chart of the week. Days with after-school activities may remind them of additional items needed. Some fmilies have lists for bed-time routines too, and one even had the “lights out” time at the end.

“It is not what you do for your children, but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings.”    Ann Landers