Positive Discipline and Rudolph Dreikurs

In 1964, Rudolph Dreikurs published Children: The Challenge. He believed that parenting children in a democratic society presented some new challenges. He described authoritative parents that guide their children with a tight hand, including lots of requirements, punishments, and little autonomy.  Also mentioned were permissive parents, who let their children have free rein and leadership to a point, then become authoritative parents to restore order. Dreikurs suggested a different direction – strong leadership and guidance of children with an eye toward contributing to the family, developing one’s talents and judgement, and gaining healthy autonomy.

Mark Ross, of Mount Sopris Montessori School, pointed out that “Children are very good observers, but not very good interpreters.” Children notice a lot around them, but often lack the judgement and experience to recognize what their observations mean. Adults can re-frame the children’s interpretations to help them see things in a more realistic light.  An example is the child who says, “No fair!” when someone gets to go first, not remembering that she was first to go the last time. Helping her see how it balances out can reduce the reaction.

To Dreikurs, children do not misbehave unless they are discouraged or frustrated. Children who believe that they have a strong, contributory role in the family are less likely to have outbursts.  Children who do not feel important to the family are likely to act out according to four different beliefs (listed below). These beliefs are unconscious thoughts, not intentional actions, though it can feel that way. Adults support their children by keeping them involved in family life, and recognizing which of the four beliefs are influencing the children whenever difficulties arose.

At the beginning, the child seeks attention if he is discouraged.  Over time, the child moves into a search for power, a pursuit of revenge, or a belief in helplessness.  The adult feels differently according to the child’s unspoken belief.  The same behavior can make the adult feel annoyed (attention), angry/frustrated (power), spiteful (revenge), or discouraged (helplessness).

The first belief arising from discouragement is “I am only important if I have your attention.” The child seeks undue attention and unnecessary services.  The adults recognize this belief being played out because they will feel annoyed. While making internal plans for re-encouraging the child, the adult must deal with the behavior occurring in the moment. Consequences can help.  If it is safe, allow natural consequences to play out.  If it is not safe for natural consequences, logical ones will have to do.

Let’s explore some examples.  The child refuses to put on his shoes when it is time to go to school. He wants you to do it for him. You know that he can put this pair on successfully.  This is bid for undue service. Annoyed, you begin to argue, cajole, bribe, etc.  Even if he does put his shoes on, he has successfully managed to keep you busy with him for a time.  Instead, you could shrug, saying, “Let me know when you have them on,” and go back to your task. If he does not put them on in time to leave, pick them up, put them in the car, and allow him to walk out sock-footed (if it is not freezing out).  He can put them on once he gets to school, and perhaps even in the car.  The reason we wear shoes becomes naturally obvious.

Another example is children who become very loud when you are on the phone.  Having a space that allows you to close the door and finish your conversation works. You will know if they are moving into unsafe activities if you make sure this space allows you to hear them in the background. Let the person know that you may have to hang up at any time.  Once finished with the phone call, do not engage with the children, especially if they have found appropriate things to do.  Even if they are waiting by the door, smile at them, but keep walking.  Then think of something to do together and invite them to come.  You have removed their ability to claim your attention without your permission, but you are showing them some positive ways to be together.

Next post will move into the next layer of discouraged thoughts – the search for power.