Power Plays

In his book, Children, The Challenge, Rudolph Dreikurs pointed out that if a child continues to feel discouraged after seeking undue attention, he will move into the next stage, the search for power. Power struggles are not out of the blue. People seeking power believe that it is the best way to take care of themselves.

You can be doing many things right and still have a child who is discouraged. Sometimes discouragement comes from within. Thoughts can color our ability to see things clearly. Research shows that we are more likely to notice negative things and give them more weight than positive things. (Kahneman and Tversky) Being physically uncomfortable or tired can also cause discouragement. Sometimes things feel overwhelming. We think we can’t cope with the intense feelings and discomfort that a situation brings up. Some people have more receptors for different types of sensory input. They are hypersensitive to things that do not bother people with more common input rates. Notice in yourself when bright light bothers you, or background noises, or tags in clothing. Now imagine that you cannot do anything to make it better. Or that you can’t figure out what is making you uncomfortable. How successfully do you tackle a difficult task at that time?

Scarcity, a book by Sendhil Mullainathan and Eldar Shafir, uses the concept of bandwidth to talk about how much attention we have available. If that attention is being used up by physical discomfort, negative emotions, problems with money, or other issues, little is left over to make good decisions. Daniel Kahnman (Thinking, Fast and Slow) offers notes on research to show why this happens. The same parts of the brain that work on self-control need the same glucose supplies as those that work with logic. Just being hungry or tired can be distracting enough to affect our judgement. We are using up lots of resources trying to be socially acceptable until we can take care of our bodies.

If children are demanding undue control over a situation, it often means they believe it will overwhelm them. The best way to support them through this is demonstrating guidance and support as they get through the difficulty. When there are power struggles, the techniques that work for undue attention-seeking do not work. Logical or natural consequences, trying to convince them, and even giving in to them does not help them learn to become more resilient. Stopping the situation as soon as possible, clarifying what they want, then finding a way to solve the problem together is a lot more successful. Sometimes, giving someone a moment to breathe and remember that they have allies is enough to help move past the need for power.

Not to say this is going to be easy. Your child may be having a screaming tantrum in the car because they could not get their way. You may have to turn up the radio just so you can all get home, then reset the situation. Punishing them, threatening them, or trying to win them over with logic is not going to solve things long-term. Ask questions and calmly try to understand the demands, even when you know you will not give in. The children need to believe that you know what they want. And that you are trying to help. It puts you and your child back on the same side, looking at a problem together with you as the wise guide for a way forward.