The hardest level of discouragement is when the person gives up. “I can’t!” is the most common example, but there are lots of other ways that show the key thought of, “I want to stop trying.” This is different from when a child really does not have the strength, skill, or knowledge to be successful. It is the hardest discouragement habit to change, and does not always look the same. Additionally, it can be a relationship pattern with one adult in the child’s life and not others.
Not all requests for help are because of helplessness. Let’s look at two different scenarios. In one, your child tries to pull on her shoe. She moves her hand in several ways and tries different grips. She finally looks at you and says, “It’s not working.” You offer a different technique, such as standing up while pushing with the foot, and she attempts that while you watch. When this does not work, you ask if you can help, and use it as a teaching moment. In a discouraged scenario, the child tries one way over and over, looking at you often, saying, “It’s not working.” You offer a different technique, and she says no. She sometimes demands, “You do it.” In both cases, you are the one who helps, but the roles and expectations are very different. In one, she sees you as the mentor and wise guide. In the other, you are the person being unfair, asking too much, or refusing to help.
One trick to recognizing the difference is when you as the parent feel like giving up too. Even the exasperated, “We have to go,” while you put on her shoe is giving up. Taking a break and saying, “Let me know when you have some shoes on,” which works well for attention-seeking, will not work here. Being loud and demanding also does not help. So it seems as if there is no solution.
Sitting down and stating observations is a good beginning. “I notice this shoe is not as easy as your other ones. You are very frustrated.” Wait for a response. Ask, “These shoes will only be useful if you can put them on yourself, so what will help?” If she keeps insisting that you do it, make a decision about the impact on you. If it really is time to go, put them on for her, saying, “I am putting them on because we don’t have time to solve it right now. We will take care of them when we get back home.” Then keep your word. As soon as the shoes come off at home, take them out of the picture. Make them disappear. If it really was the shoes being too hard, there will be little resistance. If there is resistance, explain that you will not have things in your home that make things so difficult. Repeat the statement from before about the shoes only being beneficial if she can use them herself, and ask what will help. Then work together to solve the problem.
Children do not just fall into the helplessness habit. It is usually created when we do things for them for too long, or when we imply that something they are attempting is too hard. They believe that maybe they really are not capable, or we would have more expectations. Any child that can sit up unassisted can start removing clothes with help when it is time to change. Any child that can carry items across the living room can carry a small bag of groceries, even just a box of crackers, into the house. The opening entries of this blog have lots of ways to support children’s confidence based on real accomplishments. That confidence helps them resist discouragement when they really cannot complete a task, and seek out support rather than service.
Helplessness has some of the elements of a power struggle, because if the child does make good progress, the parent wins. “I knew you could do it!” is not a helpful statement for this situation. It works best to pretend not to notice in that moment, just focus on the next (hopefully positive) step of the situation. If she does want acknowledgement, she will likely call your attention to it. A supportive way to respond would be to look right at her and say, “You did it. How do you feel about that?”
To move out of helplessness takes time and attention. It is often the last stage of discouragement, and you sometimes have to build the relationship, respect, and trust all the way back though the other stages. You will see times that look like revenge, power-seeking, and attention-seeking as you re-encourage your children to believe in their own abilities. Be present, be determinedly patient, be a thoughtful mentor, be firm about boundaries, and be supportive. It puts you both back on the same side of this particularly difficult problem, learning to solve it together.
Long-range parenting 