Ever since the early 70’s, our country has expected older teenagers to be able to vote, enter contracts, serve in the military, and, with mixed results and changing laws, drink or smoke. To do any of these activities well takes sober thought, an ability to handle complex sets of data, and lots of support from family, mentors, or community. Being an adult is complicated, and our current marketing culture and consumer economy does not make it easier. We owe it to our communities, country, and world to support our children’s development into intelligent, supportive, disciplined, thoughtful, effective, and gracious people who have the skills to manage their lives.
We have data now that says the judgment center of the brain is not fully developed until about 29-30. The frontal lobes support communication, discernment, problem-solving, self-control, setting long-term goals, and decision-making. That is a full decade after being given a lot of responsibility. But we can help guide and develop that part of the brain, both in ourselves and in those we are mentoring.
So how do we square these very different realities? Raising children well into healthy adults is not easy, and we all know it takes longer than 18 years. However, we can start in early childhood with reality-based competencies and values that we hold as a family. Then we guide and mentor as experiences happen. We can create learning experiences. We can bring our children along to observe as we vote, shop for groceries, load firewood, fix things, have (some)conversations with other adults, balance our checkbooks, and other opportunities to watch adults manage the world. They will have to learn to be patient and polite as they work with the situation. They can take on appropriate levels of responsibility and become contributing members of the family and community. This will look different for different families, and that is great for developing diversity, communities with a wide array of skilled and thoughtful individuals, and lots of innovation.
Find ways to teach your children the underlying skills and knowledge to be successful in the world. Match your child’s developmental level and gently stretch their skills, or they will get discouraged. See if there are any areas for your own growth, and remember to give yourself the same patience. See if you can help others in your community, and welcome healthy mentors into your life and your children’s lives.
To get the conversations started, here is an incomplete list for consideration:
Civic duties
voting after researching and comparing
jury duty
paying taxes
Household business
paying all bills on time
registrations maintained
understanding legal obligations
contracts/deeds/titles
repairs and maintenance
cleaning
Self-care
proper food
clothing
grooming & cleanliness
self-expressive skills
monitoring one’s health
partnering with professionals
getting help when needed
impulse control
monitoring thoughts
resting
rejuvenation/recreation
career development
Social navigation
proper dress for different occasions & company
non-verbal communication skills
asking questions
listening skills
wise choice of words
graciousness
social graces/politeness
negotiation skills
conflict resolution skills
living with people (including marriage with its added layers of difficulty)
refraining from comment
Long-range parenting 