“Assessment drives Curriculum,” said a professor of Education to a group of educators about to embark on a large scope and sequence project. She wanted them to be very intentional with the list, to recognize that it would eventually become part of a measuring process.
End results
On-going
Assessor
There are lots of signs to observe in your family that tell you how well each member is doing, including yourself. Each of us is a whole person, and academic learning is only one part of the picture. Before I talk about what sort of items to have for learning (next post), here are some things to watch for, with the hope that you find it reassuring so see how much growth is happening each day.
Self-development (examples: perseverance, resilience, problem-solving, choosing challenges, pursuing excellence, self-modulation, self-care, independence, self-discipline, making decisions, bursts of creativity, expressions of joy)
Social development (examples: altruism, patience, graciousness, politely helping, taking care of the home, solving conflicts assertively, stepping up when needed, responsibility, teamwork, practicing how to be peaceful and calm)
Cognitive development (examples: developing knowledge and skills, applying knowledge and skills to the real world, noticing things and the finer distinctions between them, expression (spoken, written, artistic, engineering, experimenting), listening well (verbally and non-verbally), read or be read to and make inferences connections, and discernment, getting things/information organized, follow longer sequences, learning concepts and skills from activities and other people, spontaneously creating new activities and independent projects)
Physical development (large and small body coordination, stamina, skills, physical growth, management of the senses and their input, stillness, and a sense of thriving)
Concentration – The most authentic concentration comes when something captures our attention and we get into the flow with it. Those flow moments need protecting. The brain and body are making an exponential number of connections for learning, creativity, and memory. If you see someone concentrating, don’t comment, keep distractions away, and avoid interruptions.
Concentration cannot be forced, only nurtured and encouraged. We can help re-direct when someone becomes distracted, but the focus comes from within. Focus is a combination of applied attention and the continued interest in the activity. Often, noticing progress in one’s skill or knowledge can be motivation enough to keep coming back. Then, when it is right, a moment sparks, and the flow of concentration takes over.
Some interesting links here, from a very nice Montessori blog to interesting links for elementary children – art, science, reading, and math. Also included is the Khan Academy for those who have not yet explored their great offerings.
1. https://www.montessoridaoshi.com/
2. from that same page – a set of interesting links to explore:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1us7y9rcewgYHcB8BH5Jg4foK-_sA4tRiuBPFshGXcJs/edit?ts=5e73b4f9
3. One of which is Mo Willems, the author of the Gerald and Piggie series.
4. On this site, you can put in your town to show stars and planets in real time:
https://in-the-sky.org/skymap2.php
5. The Khan Academy
6. For those who are looking for reading texts that have just a little more challenge but are still supportive of young readers, this is a free on-line graded readers for pre-k, kindergarten, first, and second grade. They use a lot of sight words mixed with simple texts and pictures, but children seem to really enjoy them.
https://www.wilbooks.com/wilbooks-free-resources
7. quick videos for elementary children
https://www.discoveryeducation.com/community/virtual-field-trips/
I am so delighted that my sister, Mandy Barton, has agreed to add her wisdom to this series. She wrote the following to support all of us during this challenging time. Hopefully you find her as helpful and inspiring as I do. Not only has she successfully accomplished education in settings that range from traditional, home-school, experiential, independent, high school and university, she is also home-schooling her own children.
As a long-time homeschooling parent, I know that many people finding themselves at home with their kids all day are feeling overwhelmed or even panicked. I’m hearing more worrying about what to do with the kids for that time than I am about the economy or even the virus. For reasons! This is a totally new lived reality for most folks, and so both adults and kids are beginning already off balance. My brother suggested I share some tips for my fellow JeffCo parents who are having a rough time of it. So without further ado, here are a few:
1) Make time for movement. For all kids, especially younger ones, time to move and play is absolutely essential. We start every school day by taking the dog for a short walk around the neighborhood. (If you have one, swings are great for helping kids feel rooted in their bodies!) If you need to stay in your house a skipping song, movement game or dance party will help your kiddos feel happier and more secure, and more ready to focus.
2) If you’re doing at-home learning or starting to homeschool during this time, my best advice to you is this: Don’t try to replicate school at home! It will be confusing and frustrating for everyone. I don’t know how the JeffCo online learning is working, but most kids shy of high school age will not do well being expected to sit in place and just listen for hours. They will need breaks and engagement from caregivers. As homeschoolers, we usually work hard to get our main lessons – our reading/writing/arithmetic, etc, done in the earlier part of the day, then move into our field trips, fun art projects, and such after lunch. Right now we can’t go anywhere, but it’s still a helpful rhythm.
3) Speaking of rhythm: Most kids are used to a steady routine/schedule. That’s what you have to do when you are moving lots of kids around from thing to thing! At home, I find it easier to think of it in terms of rhythm. Rather than the schedule of math from 9-10, English from 10-11, 15 minute recess… an at-home rhythm is knowing what to expect (we’ll start with math, work on that a while, move on to our English, take breaks as we need them, then put everything away for lunch, etc) rather than being tied to a clock. This also offers freedom to explore if something is particularly engaging, or cut short if something needs a rest before getting through a mental block.
4) Make time for boredom. Have time where your kids aren’t being actively instructed by anyone, where you aren’t committing to “do something” with them. It is good for them. You will definitely get some pushback, but it’s amazing what kids will come up with to learn and do when not otherwise occupied. It helps if you have crafting stuff and books handy. (And regarding mess: kids old enough to go to school are old enough to clean up their own crafting messes. If you teach them how now, you will be less afraid to get the craft stuff out in the first place… and their teachers will thank you once they go back to school.)
5) Engagement. Find a healthy balance here. Many parents need to work from home, and during that time, you just need your kids to be safe and okay. And that’s all right. They can have some screen time, they can have some bored time, they can engage with their teachers online – really whatever works best so you can survive and do your work. We adults also need some downtime to try to wind down from the stress of this situation. I can guarantee, though, that your house will be happier and calmer if you can dedicate some time every day to just focusing on your kiddo(s) – put your phone down, let the news do what it will for a while, and play a board game, or a card game, or let them teach you a game, or just let them talk to you. Maybe read a book together, watch a beloved movie and then talk about it. Or get outside together.
6) Don’t panic about learning. It’s possible that JeffCo’s kids won’t go back to school at all this year. We don’t know. But even if they don’t – it will be okay. They might lose a little ground, but they will pick it up again later. They will probably learn better for the rest! Human children are driven to learn about the world around them, and they will. Many times when parents start homeschooling, experienced homeschool parents recommend that they “de-school” for a couple of months. That looks like not even trying structured lessons, just letting them read what they want, lay on the couch and be bored, sleep when they need to and wake up when they wake up… and just about universally, kids do this a while and then find themselves eager to start learning again. And they learn from everything: let them help make dinner; teach them to make dinner! Take time to answer their “why” questions from taking a walk outside and looking at trees and bugs and clouds. If you don’t know the answers, show them how you try to find answers online. That will serve them better than memorizing answers anyway.
7) Treasure this time. I know, that one sounds nuts. But for most people, days are a constant rush – leap out of bed, speed through breakfast and get ready to go and head out the door. Pickup, activities, homework, bedtime for early morning, then do it all again. Weekends are often a marathon of birthday parties, sports games and events. We are being forced to slow way down, to take a breather and just be together. This can be a beautiful chance for connection, for learning who our children really are and being there for them with comfort and calm in a scary time.
Ok, thanks if you’re still reading. I hope this is of some service to you. Hang in there, take good care of yourselves, and get lots of sleep. Sending you blessings and my best wishes for good health, patience and serenity.
Lots of us are at home right now, adjusting our spaces to accommodate at-home learning. As many of you know, I am a Montessori 3-6 teacher, tutor, and parent coach. My guidance will likely show that perspective, but it is my hope that this series of posts can help anyone who is creating a learning environment, especially one for children. The last post in the series will add information for supporting teens and adults in a learning community.
(If we are lucky, my sister, an experienced home-schooler, will allow me to include her perspective in this series as well.)
Begin with Yourself
Pay attention to your impact – monitor the weather you are making around you.
Take care of your body and mind. Drink water. Eat. Exercise somehow. Get rid of that annoying tag in your shirt. Have things you enjoy. Plowing ahead while feeling uncomfortable uses up glucose stores that you need for logical and compassionate leadership – ok for a few minutes, but wrap up quickly and replenish.
Prepare the environment for yourself too. You need your own storage spaces, a locked cabinet for unsafe items, organized tools and papers, easily accessed resources, etc.
Watch over-correction habits. See if you are just being picky. Also, if you are keeping yourself busy reminding or correcting, you need to prioritize which items need fixing the most, call a family meeting, and present the situation for group discussion and solutions, including what should happen if someone forgets to follow the agreements.
Allow the children to have productive exploration, extensions, and variations on activities, but monitor for times you may need to step in, preferably gently.
Take notes and observe – step back and really watch – then decide and respond. Taking notes keeps you focused and provides real data about their learning and behavior. You will be in awe.
Delight in this community you are part of – notice the good things happening.
Compassion – create patience, use a kinder tone, set firm guidance when needed, remember the power of emotions and discomfort to affect behavior. (*see above) We all do better when we feel better. Shame and guilt usually don’t help. Calming down and finding solutions usually do. (Dr. Jane Nelsen)
Remember to support the growth mindset. How you communicate tells people whether you have faith in them or not. An occasional admiring outburst of affection and praise is great, but too often can make children look outside of themselves for validation. Putting out effort, noticing skill growth, observing progress, and setting goals keep people encouraged and engaged for the long run, and most people love to talk about them.
Rescuing them from failures can also lead them to rely on others instead of learning the true self-esteem of conquering a challenge or correcting a mistake. Though there are some mistakes that need us to step in and help, most mistakes can be managed with a little guidance.
If the child is concentrating, and there is no danger – DO NOT INTERRUPT. You will compromise the learning that is happening.
(Even if they forgot something. Show them later if it is really necessary.)
(Even if you want to tell them how good they are doing. You can tell them how impressed you are over dinner.)
Ever since the early 70’s, our country has expected older teenagers to be able to vote, enter contracts, serve in the military, and, with mixed results and changing laws, drink or smoke. To do any of these activities well takes sober thought, an ability to handle complex sets of data, and lots of support from family, mentors, or community. Being an adult is complicated, and our current marketing culture and consumer economy does not make it easier. We owe it to our communities, country, and world to support our children’s development into intelligent, supportive, disciplined, thoughtful, effective, and gracious people who have the skills to manage their lives.
We have data now that says the judgment center of the brain is not fully developed until about 29-30. The frontal lobes support communication, discernment, problem-solving, self-control, setting long-term goals, and decision-making. That is a full decade after being given a lot of responsibility. But we can help guide and develop that part of the brain, both in ourselves and in those we are mentoring.
So how do we square these very different realities? Raising children well into healthy adults is not easy, and we all know it takes longer than 18 years. However, we can start in early childhood with reality-based competencies and values that we hold as a family. Then we guide and mentor as experiences happen. We can create learning experiences. We can bring our children along to observe as we vote, shop for groceries, load firewood, fix things, have (some)conversations with other adults, balance our checkbooks, and other opportunities to watch adults manage the world. They will have to learn to be patient and polite as they work with the situation. They can take on appropriate levels of responsibility and become contributing members of the family and community. This will look different for different families, and that is great for developing diversity, communities with a wide array of skilled and thoughtful individuals, and lots of innovation.
Find ways to teach your children the underlying skills and knowledge to be successful in the world. Match your child’s developmental level and gently stretch their skills, or they will get discouraged. See if there are any areas for your own growth, and remember to give yourself the same patience. See if you can help others in your community, and welcome healthy mentors into your life and your children’s lives.
To get the conversations started, here is an incomplete list for consideration:
Civic duties
voting after researching and comparing
jury duty
paying taxes
Household business
paying all bills on time
registrations maintained
understanding legal obligations
contracts/deeds/titles
repairs and maintenance
cleaning
Self-care
proper food
clothing
grooming & cleanliness
self-expressive skills
monitoring one’s health
partnering with professionals
getting help when needed
impulse control
monitoring thoughts
resting
rejuvenation/recreation
career development
Social navigation
proper dress for different occasions & company
non-verbal communication skills
asking questions
listening skills
wise choice of words
graciousness
social graces/politeness
negotiation skills
conflict resolution skills
living with people (including marriage with its added layers of difficulty)
refraining from comment
This is a big thing to sell, don’t you think? But it is often what people strive for in their family lives. Part of a fairly long series, this post will begin at the beginning, the early years of having children, in order to lay out some fundamental practices that I call “Self- and Social- Development Practices.” Mastering them takes learning a lot of skills and applying them through life. These practices look different as a person develops, but the core ideas remain the same:
self-awareness (includes mindfulness, self-assessment, spiritual awareness)
self-reliance whenever possible (includes building knowledge and skills)
development of judgement (includes self-control and finding mentors)
contributing to the community (includes one’s home as well as the larger community)
balancing needs (includes setting boundaries, conflict resolution skills, patience with others)
Aline Wolf says that children are telling us, “Help me do it myself!” When a child is young, working on things together in the home and as a family give lots of opportunities to learn skills and strategies. Starting with home and self-care chores, we can re-tool our thinking to teach tricks that make tasks easier. As you read through the examples, you will see the beginning stages of the self-and social practices.
I want to emphasize that the children are NOT “helping you.” All members of the family work together to take care of the home. The words to support that are more along the lines of “Let’s get the laundry folded now. Here is your part.” Then put on some fun music and begin. And a caveat – this is not going to be convenient or easy. You and your partner will have to be creative as you get used to adding someone new to the chores of the home. But it does pay off in efficiency sooner than you think.
For example, any child that can sit up alone can help with laundry, especially the folding. Have the child sit nearby, and sort the socks out into piles as you come to them while folding. Name the category for each sock as you place it, “Apa’s sock, (child’s name) sock, Ama’s sock,” etc. The child will likely just pick them, mix the piles, and otherwise disrupt the order, but remain unconcerned while you keep folding and chatting about what you are doing. Then turn toward the sock piles and choose one, naming it. “Let’s organize my socks.” Then, in front of the child, you start matching pairs. Offer to the child one or two socks to hold while you match, asking them for each mate as needed. Replace it with another sock and continue until the pile is finished, then proceed with the other piles. Once the laundry is folded, hand an item to the child to carry, then carry him and a load to put away.
As the child grows, matching the socks becomes more and more his task. Or you can continue to team up with socks, and instead teach him how to roll up washcloths (Rolling is easier than folding.) It is worth getting a basket for a year or two to hold rolled washcloths. Children notice when we go behind them and correct their techniques, and become just as discouraged as we would. Folding washcloths becomes easier during the late toddler years. The dish towels and hand towels are usually next, then child-sized shorts and pants, then child-sized shirts, and on to larger items like towels. By the elementary years, if guided on techniques, the children should be able to fold almost any item in your home the way that makes it fit best in its storage spot, and they will likely have suggestions for improving things.
Other family tasks can be thought through and broken down into teachable, developmentally appropriate parts. Children can hold the grocery lists while shopping together. They can carry the empty grocery bags with you into the store. They can help put things on the conveyor belt. They can carry a lighter bag into the home. They can carry the toilet paper or toothpaste to the bathroom. They can put away the unbreakables and germ-free items within reach – butter, produce, cheese, tortillas, ghee, crackers, cans, etc.
Think of places in your life that you can open up and share your knowledge about how to do things well. If they are helping remove a nut from a bolt, help them understand which tool is best for which circumstance (rusted on, far away, or likely to fall off and get lost). If you are cleaning the yard, show them ways to use a wheelbarrow safely or how to use a rake when the handle is too long. If you are cleaning the tub, use something non-toxic for scrubbing and let them get in to do it, demonstrating how to be gentle with the caulking and the handles.
More to come….
We love tools. They are things that make our lives better: they make it easier to take care of things, create things, repair things, enjoy things. They could be spatulas, mats to keep our cars clean, hex wrenches, computers, towels, trowels, pens, magnifying glasses, remote controls, power hammers, needles of all sorts, scissors, and clips.
It is common to use one’s resources to make life better, but they are not tools. They need support, management, replenishing, and restraint. Resources such as water, air, trees, rocks, and plants serve us well, but they get used up or destroyed without care. They contribute to more entities than just people, and actually are in existence for their own purposes. We are part of the ecosystem that supports us and depends on us too. Think of mosquitoes and all those pro-biotics.
When I was younger, it was common to say, “Children are our most precious natural resources.” NO, they are not. They are not here for us to exploit or even use. They are not a “target market.” They are part of the community and part of the ecosystem and must work with the system and contribute, but they are not ours. They are here for their own purposes, and we cannot know what those purposes are without putting in the time to train them to be productive, self-aware, community-minded, curious, and skilled. And that time and effort we are putting in cannot work for them well unless they already feel safe, fed, cared for, and loved.
The hardest level of discouragement is when the person gives up. “I can’t!” is the most common example, but there are lots of other ways that show the key thought of, “I want to stop trying.” This is different from when a child really does not have the strength, skill, or knowledge to be successful. It is the hardest discouragement habit to change, and does not always look the same. Additionally, it can be a relationship pattern with one adult in the child’s life and not others.
Not all requests for help are because of helplessness. Let’s look at two different scenarios. In one, your child tries to pull on her shoe. She moves her hand in several ways and tries different grips. She finally looks at you and says, “It’s not working.” You offer a different technique, such as standing up while pushing with the foot, and she attempts that while you watch. When this does not work, you ask if you can help, and use it as a teaching moment. In a discouraged scenario, the child tries one way over and over, looking at you often, saying, “It’s not working.” You offer a different technique, and she says no. She sometimes demands, “You do it.” In both cases, you are the one who helps, but the roles and expectations are very different. In one, she sees you as the mentor and wise guide. In the other, you are the person being unfair, asking too much, or refusing to help.
One trick to recognizing the difference is when you as the parent feel like giving up too. Even the exasperated, “We have to go,” while you put on her shoe is giving up. Taking a break and saying, “Let me know when you have some shoes on,” which works well for attention-seeking, will not work here. Being loud and demanding also does not help. So it seems as if there is no solution.
Sitting down and stating observations is a good beginning. “I notice this shoe is not as easy as your other ones. You are very frustrated.” Wait for a response. Ask, “These shoes will only be useful if you can put them on yourself, so what will help?” If she keeps insisting that you do it, make a decision about the impact on you. If it really is time to go, put them on for her, saying, “I am putting them on because we don’t have time to solve it right now. We will take care of them when we get back home.” Then keep your word. As soon as the shoes come off at home, take them out of the picture. Make them disappear. If it really was the shoes being too hard, there will be little resistance. If there is resistance, explain that you will not have things in your home that make things so difficult. Repeat the statement from before about the shoes only being beneficial if she can use them herself, and ask what will help. Then work together to solve the problem.
Children do not just fall into the helplessness habit. It is usually created when we do things for them for too long, or when we imply that something they are attempting is too hard. They believe that maybe they really are not capable, or we would have more expectations. Any child that can sit up unassisted can start removing clothes with help when it is time to change. Any child that can carry items across the living room can carry a small bag of groceries, even just a box of crackers, into the house. The opening entries of this blog have lots of ways to support children’s confidence based on real accomplishments. That confidence helps them resist discouragement when they really cannot complete a task, and seek out support rather than service.
Helplessness has some of the elements of a power struggle, because if the child does make good progress, the parent wins. “I knew you could do it!” is not a helpful statement for this situation. It works best to pretend not to notice in that moment, just focus on the next (hopefully positive) step of the situation. If she does want acknowledgement, she will likely call your attention to it. A supportive way to respond would be to look right at her and say, “You did it. How do you feel about that?”
To move out of helplessness takes time and attention. It is often the last stage of discouragement, and you sometimes have to build the relationship, respect, and trust all the way back though the other stages. You will see times that look like revenge, power-seeking, and attention-seeking as you re-encourage your children to believe in their own abilities. Be present, be determinedly patient, be a thoughtful mentor, be firm about boundaries, and be supportive. It puts you both back on the same side of this particularly difficult problem, learning to solve it together.
In his book, Children, The Challenge, Rudolph Dreikurs pointed out that if a child continues to feel discouraged after seeking undue attention, he will move into the next stage, the search for power. Power struggles are not out of the blue. People seeking power believe that it is the best way to take care of themselves.
You can be doing many things right and still have a child who is discouraged. Sometimes discouragement comes from within. Thoughts can color our ability to see things clearly. Research shows that we are more likely to notice negative things and give them more weight than positive things. (Kahneman and Tversky) Being physically uncomfortable or tired can also cause discouragement. Sometimes things feel overwhelming. We think we can’t cope with the intense feelings and discomfort that a situation brings up. Some people have more receptors for different types of sensory input. They are hypersensitive to things that do not bother people with more common input rates. Notice in yourself when bright light bothers you, or background noises, or tags in clothing. Now imagine that you cannot do anything to make it better. Or that you can’t figure out what is making you uncomfortable. How successfully do you tackle a difficult task at that time?
Scarcity, a book by Sendhil Mullainathan and Eldar Shafir, uses the concept of bandwidth to talk about how much attention we have available. If that attention is being used up by physical discomfort, negative emotions, problems with money, or other issues, little is left over to make good decisions. Daniel Kahnman (Thinking, Fast and Slow) offers notes on research to show why this happens. The same parts of the brain that work on self-control need the same glucose supplies as those that work with logic. Just being hungry or tired can be distracting enough to affect our judgement. We are using up lots of resources trying to be socially acceptable until we can take care of our bodies.
If children are demanding undue control over a situation, it often means they believe it will overwhelm them. The best way to support them through this is demonstrating guidance and support as they get through the difficulty. When there are power struggles, the techniques that work for undue attention-seeking do not work. Logical or natural consequences, trying to convince them, and even giving in to them does not help them learn to become more resilient. Stopping the situation as soon as possible, clarifying what they want, then finding a way to solve the problem together is a lot more successful. Sometimes, giving someone a moment to breathe and remember that they have allies is enough to help move past the need for power.
Not to say this is going to be easy. Your child may be having a screaming tantrum in the car because they could not get their way. You may have to turn up the radio just so you can all get home, then reset the situation. Punishing them, threatening them, or trying to win them over with logic is not going to solve things long-term. Ask questions and calmly try to understand the demands, even when you know you will not give in. The children need to believe that you know what they want. And that you are trying to help. It puts you and your child back on the same side, looking at a problem together with you as the wise guide for a way forward.
Long-range parenting 