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In 1964, Rudolph Dreikurs published Children: The Challenge. He believed that parenting children in a democratic society presented some new challenges. He described authoritative parents that guide their children with a tight hand, including lots of requirements, punishments, and little autonomy.  Also mentioned were permissive parents, who let their children have free rein and leadership to a point, then become authoritative parents to restore order. Dreikurs suggested a different direction – strong leadership and guidance of children with an eye toward contributing to the family, developing one’s talents and judgement, and gaining healthy autonomy.

Mark Ross, of Mount Sopris Montessori School, pointed out that “Children are very good observers, but not very good interpreters.” Children notice a lot around them, but often lack the judgement and experience to recognize what their observations mean. Adults can re-frame the children’s interpretations to help them see things in a more realistic light.  An example is the child who says, “No fair!” when someone gets to go first, not remembering that she was first to go the last time. Helping her see how it balances out can reduce the reaction.

To Dreikurs, children do not misbehave unless they are discouraged or frustrated. Children who believe that they have a strong, contributory role in the family are less likely to have outbursts.  Children who do not feel important to the family are likely to act out according to four different beliefs (listed below). These beliefs are unconscious thoughts, not intentional actions, though it can feel that way. Adults support their children by keeping them involved in family life, and recognizing which of the four beliefs are influencing the children whenever difficulties arose.

At the beginning, the child seeks attention if he is discouraged.  Over time, the child moves into a search for power, a pursuit of revenge, or a belief in helplessness.  The adult feels differently according to the child’s unspoken belief.  The same behavior can make the adult feel annoyed (attention), angry/frustrated (power), spiteful (revenge), or discouraged (helplessness).

The first belief arising from discouragement is “I am only important if I have your attention.” The child seeks undue attention and unnecessary services.  The adults recognize this belief being played out because they will feel annoyed. While making internal plans for re-encouraging the child, the adult must deal with the behavior occurring in the moment. Consequences can help.  If it is safe, allow natural consequences to play out.  If it is not safe for natural consequences, logical ones will have to do.

Let’s explore some examples.  The child refuses to put on his shoes when it is time to go to school. He wants you to do it for him. You know that he can put this pair on successfully.  This is bid for undue service. Annoyed, you begin to argue, cajole, bribe, etc.  Even if he does put his shoes on, he has successfully managed to keep you busy with him for a time.  Instead, you could shrug, saying, “Let me know when you have them on,” and go back to your task. If he does not put them on in time to leave, pick them up, put them in the car, and allow him to walk out sock-footed (if it is not freezing out).  He can put them on once he gets to school, and perhaps even in the car.  The reason we wear shoes becomes naturally obvious.

Another example is children who become very loud when you are on the phone.  Having a space that allows you to close the door and finish your conversation works. You will know if they are moving into unsafe activities if you make sure this space allows you to hear them in the background. Let the person know that you may have to hang up at any time.  Once finished with the phone call, do not engage with the children, especially if they have found appropriate things to do.  Even if they are waiting by the door, smile at them, but keep walking.  Then think of something to do together and invite them to come.  You have removed their ability to claim your attention without your permission, but you are showing them some positive ways to be together.

Next post will move into the next layer of discouraged thoughts – the search for power.

 

 

 

In the debates about the root word of “education,” there are two that stand out –  educare and educere. Arguments ensue about whether education is when a teacher passes on information and mentoring (educare as “nurturing, guiding, as in a garden”) or if it is when the adult draws out the child’s talents (educere as “drawing forth”).  However, the concept of children having their own agendas is not in either model, which leaves out the fundamental people.

Albert Schweitzer is attributed with this idea: “It is a trade secret, but I will tell you anyway. All healing is self-healing.” Education is similar. Just observe yourself as a learner. Unless you have some way to connect information and experiences to your own life, you won’t retain the knowledge in your long-term memory.

All learning is actually the possession of the learner. It is the “lead a horse to water” analogy.  Teachers, parents, and mentors can support students, model for them, tell them about things, present skills, require practice, and demand performance, but none of those build the student’s knowledge unless the student makes a connection.  Sometimes they can make short-term connections through studying for tests, but true knowledge and skills that last come through mental, emotional, and experiential connections.

Maria Montessori said that children have been observing the world for some time and have their own internal goals based on what they see their role models doing.  Many young children explore and experiment without asking for guidance.  They are figuring things out, which is itself a sign and grower of the mind, let alone resilience, creativity, and initiative.  Of course, the adults must make sure those explorations happen safely, but to lose exploring itself in the name of safety is not good for anyone. Learning “Don’t touch that,” is a good skill to have, but too much of it, or  “Be careful, you might fall!” can lead children to become fearful or helpless. Be ready to catch them, tell them some items are just yours for now (purses, remotes, phones), and remove unsafe things from the shared spaces until you can guide them on proper use at a proper time.

 

“Try again,” is often how we approach situations when the result is not what we desired, as in the saying, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.”

However, there are two steps before trying again that make all the difference. First, it is important to analyze what went well and what needs changing. Then, make a plan for corrections that does not compromise the parts that work well. Then try again.

Sounds simple, but behind these steps are component skills that many of us need support and coaching to master. Calming oneself when disappointed can take time.  Even finding the initiative to begin again can be hard. So can breaking down situations into component parts (analysis) to know what needs fixing, as well as being kind to oneself for what is going well.

It will be important for you to take the time and notice how you do these things. Find ways to break the process down for your children so you are ready to support them in their trickier moments,  especially when they want to give up. Help them see the key point, such as where the hole is when we wrap around for tying shoes. And be prepared for the times when when they stubbornly approach things in the same way.  Sometimes it is good to let them keep going, but watch for the time when they need a break. It is a coaching moment.

 Ask if they want to talk it over with you. Help them discover where they are stuck. It could be internal chatter slowing them down or an incorrect analysis of things.

Learning these skills with the support of someone is key to becoming good at problem-solving. Problem-solving skills are important for developing the character traits of self-regulation, resilience, perseverance, determination, and objectivity.

Revise the old saying: “If at first you don’t succeed, analyze, plan, then try again.” Admittedly, it is not as poetic or elegant, but it will be more effective.

Use encouragement and real details in the moment, not praise.  Encouragement is more specific than praise and it helps the children focus on effort and perseverance (things they can control) more than talent (which you have or you don’t) “You did it! You solved the puzzle by yourself.” helps in the long run more than “You are so smart!” Look up Carol Dweck for more information about Growth Mindset and how to support it. The modern concept of “grit” has its roots in Dweck’s work.

Celebrate successes. Not with “Good job!” or “I knew you could do it!”  Those are about you, not the child. If you focus on how much they helped you with some task that is actually a household task, they think that all the household chores are your responsibility, and you have undercut the training you are doing about contributing to the family.

There are so many more options to acknowledge accomplishments. “Woo-hoo!” works great, as does a silent cheer. Some other ways are pointing out how happy they look with their painting, how much progress they made with their schoolwork, or how much it helped everyone when they cleaned the floor. When you work on the yard together, you can say, “Great. Now we can play in the yard.”

Have fun together.  Playing together is different from coaching or teaching. If invited, play what they are playing, but careful not to take over or show off.  However, they also find it condescending if you obviously let them win. Sometimes you can ask if they would like to learn a trick to doing something better.  If they say yes, then you are on to training mode.

What are you doing for your children that they can already handle themselves, especially with some training and guidance? There is a difference between support that helps them be successful and over-assisting that leaves them feeling dependent and unsure.

Along with contributing to the community, self-sufficiency goes a long way toward building healthy self-esteem. The more self-sufficient we are, the less we are a drain on our community. It feels empowering to be able to do things yourself instead of having to talk someone else into doing it.

It feels discouraging when someone says, “Oh, that is too hard for you.” “You are doing it wrong.” “You might make a mistake.” “It is taking too long.” “Here, I will do it.”  With enough repetition, there is a good chance that the discouragement will take the form of learned helplessness, which looks like halfhearted attempts and whining to get the adult to take care of things.

Set up places and resources for your children to use for self-care. Organize the bathroom so it has the tools they need and ways to safely use them, with dangerous items securely stored. In the kitchen, have some plates, cups, and utensils in places they can access, as well as a system to get water and maybe appropriate snacks. Make a spot for tools needed for cleaning up spills – towels of different sizes and a brush & dustpan set.

They will need to be taught how to use these items, as well as how to judge appropriate times. Make it work for your family. Some ideas from real families:

• healthy snacks available until a couple of hours before dinner
• an adult is present whenever a child is in the kitchen
• butter knives and cutting boards on low table for cutting fruit or spreading
• toothbrush and flossers always available, but real toothpaste stored
• mirror at child’s height with grooming tools (tissues, brush, hair clips)
• shoe and boot storage with a low bench nearby
• lunch becomes child’s responsibility, even on weekends

Provide routines for transitions. Without realizing it, many of us use systems and procedures that help us group multiple steps and details into single ideas.  Most people have internal lists for getting dishes done, kitchen cleaned, laundry washed, yard raked, oil checked, groceries stored, etc.  Writing the steps down in list form will help you teach proficient completion of each part as the children become ready. They may be putting away only the plates for a while. Then one day, when they can reach, you add the utensils.

We also have procedures to help us remember all our items when we leave the house or get ready for bed.  Lots of children find it helpful to have a list with pictures of what to gather and put on when leaving the house.   As they become more accustomed to getting themselves organized, the lists can come down, or changed to a chart of the week. Days with after-school activities may remind them of additional items needed. Some fmilies have lists for bed-time routines too, and one even had the “lights out” time at the end.

“It is not what you do for your children, but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings.”    Ann Landers

 

Actively tackling challenges with appropriate amounts of support builds self-confidence. The family is a child’s first community. They feel a stronger connection through contributing to the family – being an active part with observable results. Most of us learn by doing, and mistakes are part of that. Give them parts that can help but not set you back too much if something goes wrong. Spilling is not a tragedy, just a chance to learn to clean it up. (Make sure you keep your phone well away from potential problems.)

The time to encourage their participation is when they want it, not when you are sure that they will be successful. Take the time to break the task down into its component parts. Train and support them as they learn those parts. An example is putting away dishes. What cabinets and drawers can they safely reach? That tells you which dishes or silverware they can put away first. Then teach them the tricks to getting the dishes to the cabinet without dropping them.

Inspire the family to tackle large tasks whenever possible. Large tasks range from packing together for a long trip to deep cleaning the living room or helping someone in the community. Remember to break down the tasks and spend the time for training and offering emotional support. With inspiration, tone matters a lot.  “Let’s go!” or “It’s time,” said in an upbeat and determined way can help get things moving forward.

Once you have a place to begin after working out some core beliefs, you will find it helpful to have some tools. The next few posts will be about that. One of the most freeing is the phrase, “in our family.” It helps you set expectations, explain beliefs, and establish leadership. It can also help you work things out with extended family, parents of your children’s friends, and neighbors. At least you will have a place to begin.

Here are some examples:

The children are upset that their cousins get to have dessert every night. You reply, “We have learned that having sugar every day is not helpful. In our family, we save desserts for special treats, parties, or big family occasions.”

Someone in your neighborhood cannot trim their hedges, and the homeowner’s association has sent them a letter.  You tell your family that it is important to take a couple of hours to chip in. “In our family, we help others.”

There has been constant bickering for toys or space for several hours. “In our family, we take the time to get to the bottom of things.  It is family meeting time.”

Decisions about parenting are based on values and goals. We parents guide our children toward the sort of adults we hope they become. We try to manage the sort of exposure they experience. This means you are the guides for your children. You are the ones who present the world with one hand on the faucet whenever possible. You are the socializing, supportive, and character-building sources. There are helpers offering to support you in this work – extended family, teachers, friends, bloggers, mentors, authors, researchers, scientists, spiritual supporters, etc., but you need to stay aware of whether the support fits your family as it grows and changes.

Make things work for your family – not all families do everything the same. Also, most families change over time as they learn.

The clue is your general happiness with your family life.  If something is bothering you, it needs attention. Observe what you are noticing, then check in with your partner – in private. We often approach parenting from the perspective of battling our own dragons from the past, as well as the deep values and beliefs that we think are universal.  Conversations with your partner will help you get to the core issues and make agreements.

If you are parenting on your own, find ways to support your self-reflection as you get clear, or perhaps enlist someone trustworthy to help you think things through.

Solid discussions about difficult topics are key to setting up your foundation for helping your children. Your values, your self-awareness, your goals are all part of the picture. They are your starting point.